Humorous one-liners and other suggestions

If you take an oriental person and spin him around several times does he become disorientated?

If people from Poland are called Poles why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack anyway?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to night clubs, should they not wear night gowns

If love is blind why is lingerie so popular?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn’t eleven pronounced onety-one?

‘I am’ is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language, could it be that ‘I do’ is the longest sentence? Think about it!

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you will believe them but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.

All this talk of dangerous, genetically modified, food tasting horrible is nonsense. I mean, just today I had a delicious leg of salmon.

My doctor reckons I'm paranoid. He didn't say it, but I know he's thinking it.

I don't see why we Brits don't celebrate the 4th of July. Surely 232 years of being officially separate from America is something to be happy about.

My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed. "It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.

My dog jumped in the washing machine yesterday. Don't worry, at least he died in comfort.

The school phoned me today and said, "your son's been telling lies"
I said, "well tell him he's bloody good - I ain't got any kids!"

Apparently, the Popemobile has 3 inch thick bullet-proof glass.
There's faith for you

What is the difference between a bachelor and a married man?

The bachelor comes home, sees what's in the refrigerator, then goes to bed.
The married man comes home, sees what's in the bed, and goes to the refrigerator.

Knock knock
"Who's there?"
"Doorbell repairman."

I got a Woolworth's advent calendar today.
All the windows are boarded up and there's nothing inside.

A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne..
The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me..... I am celebrating'
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.
'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence,' says the man.. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'
That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'